Creating Safe Spaces

I really planned on working on my term papers that are due in t-minus three weeks. Yet I keep seeing things that pull my attention away from the papers. Sure, I probably didn’t need to watch RuPaul’s Drag Race this week, but it helps me unwind and switch gears. And I will admit that I should probably just turn off my FaceBook account when I am in crunch mode. The real distraction comes from various posts and articles I read where women continually get treated as outsiders in fandom.

What do I mean? I belong to various gaming communities on FaceBook where we share ideas about the game, as well as problems we encounter when running/playing. Recently, a female player was discussing actions in a game that were forced on her. Now, similar discussions have been had by male players and they are generally met with comments like, “I would talk with the GM and tell him that it wasn’t cool to force your character to do something like that” or “You should probably just leave the group, it doesn’t sound like it is a very good space.” Yet, this time, voiced from a woman, she was met with comments like “You shouldn’t whine so much” and when she voiced that she would probably kill off her character and leave the group, she received responses like “Killing yourself and ragequitting a group isn’t attractive.” The fact is, this player was expressing the fact that her character had been impregnated against her will, which amounts to rape, and rape isn’t attractive. When the player attempted to point out that the people making these comments were being sexist, they attempted to again silence her using shame tactics.

When I have seen various posts about the terror of white males in gaming, I have generally cast them aside. I fell into the trap of “This hasn’t happened in my games and it must be really isolated.” The reality is that MY games are really isolated. The games I have run with female players have generally been pretty great and I didn’t think they had really had any situations like this. In retrospect, I realize that one of my games did have a female player that felt uncomfortable and she left, though it wasn’t because of something that had been done to her character and more about how over-the-top one of the players was in his playstyle. As a player, I have certainly been in games where things like pregnancy has been forced on female players and it made me genuinely uncomfortable in the moment (and still bugs me years later). Because of the group I play with, we don’t have many people that play across gender lines, so I have been trying to think if I had ever encountered a male GM doing the same to a female character run by a male player—I can’t think of any. Even if there had been, it would have been equally frustrating, unless this was something we had agreed when we began or with discussion between the player and the GM.

I can’t know what it is like for each female player out there. I can only come at it from my own experiences as a gay male. After I came out, I always set my characters as gay at creation. Most games, it wasn’t discussed because we weren’t really exploring romantic or sexual situations in our game. When it did come up, the GM would just default that all characters are heterosexual and assume that all of us would be beguiled by them (which in and of itself is a terrible trope to use, but not the point of this discussion). Once they started to realize that my character was gay, they slowly started figuring out that perhaps male prostitutes should be seen in taverns, but it generally stopped short of the GM having to act out male-on-male flirtation.

In the game that saw our female companion get raped, the GM was very tactful with my gay character. The game was set in the 20s and he had spent time researching what gay clubs were like at this time. When we would have dream sequences and such, he would discuss both the happiness of me dreaming about my partner as well as the agony of nightmares of losing him. Certainly, there were plenty opportunities for this character to experience horrific torture and sexual assault at the hands of the cultists, but that line was never crossed with me.

Now, the important thing to consider isn’t just the ways that we treat women inside the game, where all too often they are treated as objects to be played with in ways that we generally don’t with our male companions. We also need to consider how we treat them in our community. I have tried very hard, especially as an adult, to make the gaming environment and geek culture an inclusive place. I remember feeling like I was the only gay gamer at our local convention. But, at no point was my identity as a gamer/geek questioned. I acknowledge that other gay gamers and geeks may have had other experiences, but I have generally been accepted into the boy’s club. But, I have watched as women have had to prove their geek cred, by discussing at length how they got into fandom and being tested about various games. When you watch the body language of the questioners, you can see they are ready to pounce on anything that they could use to discredit her. Or they make assumptions that her geeky shirt, “must belong to her boyfriend.”

We are cultured to be dismissive, which is rather unfortunate. This comment shouldn’t be read as affirming of male behavior, through justification. Rather a simple statement of how we tend to react. Our parents, mothers and fathers, dismiss our playing pretend and sometimes dismiss the way we are feeling as ways of helping us grow up. I dismissed the various posts by removing them from my feed or ignoring them without a real thought. Others have verbally dismissed women by trying to silence their complaints. But these dismissive actions serve only to perpetuate the problem. If someone like me, or you, dismisses this type of behavior, we can’t stand up for our fellow games. This means that we aren’t actively working towards an inclusive environment. Maybe we justify our dismissiveness because we don’t want to but it or we don’t want the negative attention we know we will get. When we do that though, we are resting all of the burden on the woman who spoke up and the negative feedback towards them is meant to silence them and force them to put up and shut up or get out of fandom. If we really want to put an end to this type of behavior and work towards inclusion, then we need to be willing to step up and help shoulder some of the attitudes people will throw out there.

While there are those that will read this as me taking up the torch of social justice. And perhaps I am, but I want to be able to be in a fandom where we are all accepted— a place where we can just connect with one another and enjoy the company and the awesome discussions that are possible when we gather with people with similar interests. It shouldn’t matter what gender or race you are or what your background is. While our little playful tests to see how much we have in common can be great, they shouldn’t serve as some sort of sorting hat that determines who gets to be included and who gets to be excluded.

I want to belong to a community where mutual respect is central. This means that we aren’t purposefully trying to create situations where we can make one another uncomfortable just because we can. And if we have made someone uncomfortable, they are empowered to tell us and we are respectful enough to accept the criticism and apologize. I know this part can be difficult. Sometimes, it can feel like the criticism is targeted at us and telling us that we are bad people and that hurts. Getting called out as sexist, misogynistic, homophobic, transphobic, abelist, sizest, etc., can hurt. We may not realize that what we are doing or saying sounds like that because it isn’t our intention. Or maybe we don’t want other to think poorly of us. All of us ultimately want to be accepted. Labels that “Other” us hurt, which is precisely why we use them. That little face slap can be a good wakeup call. Too often, unfortunately, it can backfire and cause people to push harder against the issue and ignite bigger fires. However, another one our social methods of behavior correction can be beneficial when a person digs in their heels and refuses to change and escalates—avoidance. We don’t like to be cut off from things, but it can be better in the long run to cut someone off and isolate them than to give tacit approval of their behavior because we don’t want to lose friends or have difficult conversations.

Whether we want to accept it or not, white males (especially heterosexuals) have power in the community as a whole. For way too long, fandom has been a boys club. And certainly those of us that have been in it for a while have endured some knocks from people outside of fandom. They teased us and questioned our manliness for playing make belief. We have been torn down and Othered for this thing we are passionate about. Those of us who have experienced that, probably hated every minute of it. It sucks to be belittled. Some of us banded together even tighter because the community we created was a safe place for us to talk about fantasy, science fiction, and all of our favorite characters and games.

It may have felt like this special safe place was invaded when women and non-white men started to find their ways into fandom. But it wasn’t. We were gaining new friends that had the same things in common. Instead of recognizing kindred spirits, some of us recognized that we had the ability to turn the tables. The powerlessness we were made to feel by the “cool” kids was ours to inflict on these new folks. And in doing so, the much coveted sense of power and control was ours to take back. Somehow, in the moment, we forgot what it was like to be the Other--- we got drunk on the power and didn’t care. This was our domain and you needed to earn your way. But no one needed to. All of it could have been so much different. While we can’t change the past, we can damn well make the present a much better place.

It starts by speaking up. Now, speaking up doesn’t mean start a flame war and it doesn’t mean we need to troll everyone (my genuine apologize to any of my readers who identify as a troll). It does mean recognizing sexist/disrespectful behavior. Whether it is inside your game or in various real or virtual spaces where our community comes together, we need to speak up and help put an end to it. While most of this post has been directed at disrespectful behavior towards women, the same is true for speaking out against people being disrespectful towards people of color as well as all of the various diverse personas we find in our community.

Also, recognize that someone may interpret your action different than you intended and they may call you out for it. I know it can be difficult, but put aside your ego for a moment and try to figure out where the miscommunication came from and work together to create a safe space.

Be sensitive and recognize that sometimes folks just need someone to listen. Don’t try to justify what the other person did or said, but recognize and validate the experience. We may not understand where they are coming form, but we can probably find some sort of experience where we can relate. Clarify if the person needs back up or if they just needed to vent. Sometimes, once we get all of the emotions of frustration or anger (or other emotion) out, we recognize that we may have over reacted and just needed to get it out. But, other times we may need some back up to help us stand up for ourselves.

We may also need to recognize that folks who are feeling alienated need a safe space where it is just folks like them. So this may mean and all female-identifying group or a queer group. This gives them that same safe space that many of originally created in response to the experiences we had. Seeking or creating a group like this does not equate to sexist or racist or any other ist (including elitist). It just means that they want to have a safe space and they may not feel like they are getting that. Also, if your immediate reaction is that there needs to be a men’s only group, remember that we had it for a long time and there are groups within the community who are actively trying to make this a men’s only group. This one especially gets me as a gay man, because this mentality is the same as folks wanting straight pride celebrations or white pride marches. Support our friends who feel they need a safe space by empowering them to do what they need and that you are always willing to act as go between or work with them when the deal with the community as a whole.

We need to recognize that there is a problem. There is this pain in our community and we all need to work together to create an inclusive space. One where people of all agents, shapes, sizes, ethnicity, races, gender identity/expression, orientation, and really just all of the things that make us unique, can feel safe and enjoy the company of people who have the same passions in common. All of the things that make us unique mean that there are all of those great experiences that we can explore and play with in our games and all of the different backgrounds mean endless points of discussion. The problem isn't going to end over night. But together, we can make this right. 

A Small Departure

Not that I have been blogging frequently, but I have realized that the bulk of my writing tends to split down into a few primary themes, with one of them being gaming. Because gaming is a big part of my social outlet and a dominant source of my writing, I figured it is about time for me to split off and have a separate blog specifically for my gaming related writing. I will still be posting my personal essays on my this blog and may occasionally cross post in both places.

My intent for this blog will be a space for me to give advice about gaming, character stories, advice, and reviews. This is not necessarily limited to role-playing games and it is my intention to include content about the various games I play. To this end, I am not much of a video gamer. I have really tried to get into them, but especially as graphics improve and there is a bigger push for first person style games, I find myself completely unable to play. Give me a good side scroll-er and I am set, but alas those days seem far behind us.

The Human Factor

I have been spending much of my time lately working on a piece of short fiction. The wonderful people over at SkyWarrior Books have a call out of Werewolf stories. This was perfect as I've had a few werewolf ideas knocking around in my noggin. It was like kismet.

One of the things that I have always struggled with when writing about characters is injecting them with life. Giving them those little traits that make them feel alive to the reader. As I have taken to writing in the first person, this typically becomes a problem for the other characters in the story. Since you are inside the "cockpit" of the storyteller, you get their thoughts, emotions, motivations, and charming physical actions.

To help overcome this, I've been spending more time looking at people. Not just watching from a distance to see how they move, but talking to them. What motivates them? What do they think their annoying habits are? What do they think of their friends' annoying habits? What makes them a character? Do they have any peculiar mannerism? I think my fascination with humans and how they choose to interact with one another is fundamentally why I love reality TV.

However, lately, I haven't really needed to watch reality TV to watch people act in inappropriate and unprecedented ways. This new character I find so interesting popped into my life about a year or so ago. In many ways, he reminded me of kids I knew in high school. At the time we met, he had recently turned 18, so in some ways he was still a child when it comes to real life. I suppose what initially interested me in him was his outside appearance didn’t match up with how he acted or reacted to the people around me.

An oversized gold and silver belt buckle was the first thing that caught my eye. The thing had to be the size of a salad plate and made me wonder how he sat down without getting hurt. Blue jeans rough and worked looked painted on his thick muscular legs. His arms rested on his hips, re-directing attention to the larger than life buckle. His t-shirt was something that the dim-witted masses would find witty and likely purchased in the redneck isle of the local Big-mart. His lip bulged as it tried to hide a dip of tobacco far too large for it. The only thing that was missing from the picture was a proper 10-gallon hat. I supposed it was in the mud-covered truck that doubled as his bedroom.

I am from Montana, and sights like him are a dime a dozen. None of what I saw in that initial appearance marked him as anything other than your average cowboy ‘round these parts. But what did mark him as different was the company he chose to keep. If I had run into him at a bar, I wouldn’t have thought anything about this rather unremarkable kid. I was taken aback when I found him in the dressing room surrounded by drag queens in various stages of dress. He was helping one particular queen put herself together. He kept referring to her as “Mama.” Despite his rough and uncouth appearance, he was a perfect gentleman with this queen.

Mama took good care of her boy. And the cowboy youth found his way into many queer events. He was a defender of those who threatened to start a fire with their mere presence. His quiet, measured laughter echoed after any joke the queens told. But for Mama, he saved the belly-busting laughter of genuine amusement.

I tried to keep my distance from him, giving me a chance to watch him in his natural habitat. Something about my own preconceived notions of how a redneck should act around queers drew me in though. I talked with him and fell in love with the stories he would tell. And stories they were; tall stories.

A nineteen-year-old who swore he already served his time over in Kuwait. He sounded just like every other young vet I’d met, which made me forget that he wasn’t old enough to have the experience he was describing. The only thing that was missing was the obvious traits of PTSD that many soldiers have to one degree or another.

When I could get away and clear my head and actually think about what he was saying, I realized that he was full of shit. However, when you were there with him, something about the way he held your eyes in his made you suspend your disbelief. He was like a cobra, using his hood to hypnotize you and distract you from the truth. You didn’t even care that he was feeding you a line of bull, you just wanted to hear him tell it.

The more I interacted with him, the more I realized that nearly everything (beyond his name) that came out of his mouth was a lie. He seasoned every lie with just enough reality and truth to make you believe him. And I realized that the reason people flocked to him was because of the manufactured charisma that these stories gave him. I hoped that my friends could see him for what he was, a modern snake oil salesman.

If I hadn’t met him, I probably would have believed him to be a character in a story. I suppose, in some ways, he is a character in the story of my life. However, watching him interact with friends and strangers made me really think about the characters I write for stories or games. Do I give them enough realism or are they cardboard cut outs that solely exist for the protagonists to interact with? Should every character have mannerisms and modes of dress that suggest a certain personality? And how do I give them just enough to not steal the spotlight?

How do you give characters depth in your stories or games? Feel free to comment below.

Player Versus Story

As mentioned in a previous post, I am working on a game I can run at conventions this year. It got me thinking about story/game content versus what players want. I have been putting together my own stories almost since I started playing this game. I guess, as a writer, I enjoy creating worlds and watching people play in them.

Don't get me wrong. I do like published games. They are nice jump off spots or fillers. I am just not a fan of full campaigns that are pre-published. I feel they are too restrictive. Maybe that is just because I tend to run for players that like to think outside of the box. I remember running my first published game. I was completely unprepared for where my players took the story.

However, I have played in GM crafted games where the ability to get outside of the box is not possible. They thwart any attempt to go outside of the parameters of their story. This is such a boring approach to gaming for me.

GM: "You are in a square room. Each wall contains a door. What do you do?"

Players: "Try a door."

GM: "Which one?"

Players: pointing at the map "Umm, this one."

GM: "It is locked"

Players: "Split up, Fighter, try the doors. Rogue check for traps and lock mechanisms. The rest of us canvas and look for keys"

GM: "The fighter finds that all of them are locked except this one." points at the map. "Your search reveals no keys or other contraptions for unlocking the other doors."

Rogue Player: "I attempt to pick the lock of this one" points at map

GM: "After several attempts, you are unable to properly pick the lock"

Players: "Clearly there is something cool behind these other doors, but apparently he," points at the GM, "wants us to go here."

I suppose for some people, this type of game is appealing. I don't think I have ever met these people. But my guess is that they do exist somewhere in the known universe.

There will be times when the GM does have to rope the players back into the "reality" of the story so that they don't go off of the deep end. However, the way that your players react to a situation can give you insight into the kind of story they want to play in. In fact, this is how I tend to use published material. Use it as a starting point and see how the characters react. What story elements do they gravitate towards? What NPCs seems most interesting to them? What story are they telling amongst themselves about who they are and where they want to go? From there, I can use these ideas to plot further down the line.

I try not to plan too far out. A couple of chapters fully scene-ed with notes for where I think it is going or what elements I would like to bring to the table. Players are fickle. And the last thing I want to do is spend all my free time between games crafting story elements that will never see play. Or writing the whole story based solely on how they react/play during the first couple of "chapters."

This is again where I vary from some folks I have played with. I have been in the game where the GM has spent a great deal of time crafting what they feel is an amazing story. And when you first start playing, you groove with the style. As your character grows and develops, the story has less and less to do with where you are going in life. But you are trapped in it. I have even suggested downtime things that my player would be interested in and been ignored as it is not part of the story they want to tell. I probably should have left the game at that point. But I liked the people so I tolerated it.

What all of this comes down to is really just some advice. If you are a GM, do not buy into the idea that you are god. You may have spent quite a bit of you time refining your story. But remember, that the characters are driven by intelligent people. They will grow and develop just like real people and what was fun for them at the start may not be where they are now. Don't force your story on your players. Let it grow and develop with them. It will be more enjoyable for both of you in the end.

How Gaming Is Helping Me

Lately, I have been thinking of resurrecting my ideas of a Mage: the Ascension game. The urge to craft a story and run it for some folks has been building up since MisCon. Unfortunately, I do not currently have a game group. My former group of players split up a year or so ago. However, my lack of players has not qwelled my interest in putting together a game.

There will be opportunities to run it, I suppose. Right now, I am crafting a one-shot game to kick the story off. I suppose I could run it at one of the game days here in Missoula or take it with me to the Great Falls Gaming Rendezvous. This seems like an easy solution to my current desire. However, it will require me to get over my unfortunate stage fright.

I mentioned in a previous post that I have developed a certain level of anxiety when it comes to gaming. I am rather amazed that I haven’t given up on the hobby because of it. But I suppose I am a glutton for punishment. However, at the heart of this is an absolute fear of playing with people I don’t know. I don’t know how they are going to act or react to me and I feel them judging everything that I do. Often, it drives out the very soul of my character and replaces it with a rudimentary artificial intelligence that is only capable of rolling dice.

Thankfully, this year at MisCon, I finally pushed myself outside of my comfort zone and played in a game ran by a dear friend. Prior to the convention, I had played a test version of one of the games he ran over the weekend. This was helpful as I had a couple of people from my old gaming group along with two people that I know, but have never played with. It was like playing with a safety blanket. At the convention, I played with four people I have never met before. The only one I knew in the room was the GM.

I will admit now that the entire time we gamed my palms were sweaty and my heart was fluttering with nervousness. But I pushed that aside and had fun. Of course, it was easy in that game. I was Peter Pan. And I had one mission. Find Tinkerbell and rescue her. There was a bit of in-character wimpering for my fairy and calling out her name. I rushed into danger headlong. I flew about using my fairy dust. And ultimately, by the end of it, I didn’t feel judged. I felt that we all had a rather fun time.

Those few hours as Peter started something inside me. If I could push aside my anxiety as a player, could I do the same as a GM? Could I put together a story that would entertain the players and allow them to focus on the game and not on the person running it? I think I can. And to that end, I am going to be focusing on putting together a game and testing it out. Maybe one will lead to another and another. Who knew gaming could help a person deal with social anxiety?

And Now, A Musical Interlude

One of the many panels I wish I could have made it to at MisCon this year was on music during games. I would have loved to hear what other people think. I for one am a big fan of music in general. Might be why I was in choir from the time I was 8 until I graduated from High School. Or it could be that I wrote my first piece of music when I was 4 years old. Who knows?

Music has the ability to evoke so many subtle emotions. I have had to be careful of the tunes I put on in the car. Happy joyful music I can sing along to – no problem. Music that makes me rage and I am speeding and passing people left and right.

Before I go too far, I should explain that my games of choice at the moment are Shadowrun, D&D 3.5 (I still haven’t played Pathfinder), and anything from the old World of Darkness line. I am also in a Call of Cthulhu game as a player (a rare treat). These games have been my mainstays for quite a while. I would love to branch out more so that I can experience more systems and be a bit better-rounded as a gamer.

I love how music can help shape a game session. In my opinion, music can have a stronger impact on the game then maps, minis, or pictures. Especially if you can time it well. Of course, the problem I have seen is that certain tracks are selected and they simply play on random/repeat. After a while it reminds me of the music they pipe into WalMart, where you know there are other songs but your mind only grabs on to one or two. It becomes monotonous and ultimately gets boring and has little impact on the overall game.

I have had the chance to GM a game where I had a little more control on the tunes while we played. This can be difficult to do, depending on your set up. They way that I set it up, was having some general music to just represent street noise and the “white noise” within the game. We were playing Shadowrun, so this consisted of mundane techno beats that weren’t too hard or too mellow. Then I had a playlist that was specifically Hard/Fast to tune to when action picked up. I could then change back when they got back to mundane actions.  The players seemed to appreciate it and I loved watching their body language change when the music did.

Of course, finding the right music is important to the whole process too. I can only handle so much Midnight Syndicate while I play D&D (or any other game for that matter). During my last Werewolf Chronicle, I had a DJ friend throw together a set that was grimy and really had the feel of the overall story I was going for. Each of my players got a copy as part of playing in the game. However, I don’t know that having a professional DJ whip up all of your music is necessarily the best way for everyone. And I am not sure that I could resort to that every time.
The following are bands/songs/or musical works that are my go-to when it comes to background music:

Loreena McKennitt – Her music has found its way into high fantasy games as well as urban fairy tales. She is easy to have the volume low and just feel the spirit of it. Also use it when I am working on story content for games.

E Nomine – I can only blame my friend Josh for this one. I love the gritty sound that the German gives the music. I think there is some power to the fact that most of it is just spoken over electronic music. This one definitely gets into Vampire/Werewolf or a Dark Fae game as well as gritty Shadowrun. It doesn’t flow as well with high fantasy, although it could have its place. This is another go to when writing.

Carmina Burena – This can and has found its way into many games. The first time I heard O, Fortuna was while watching Excalibur and I can never really get that out of my head.

Night on Bald Mountain – Need I say more? I love the dark feel of it. The sequence of Fantasia still freaks me out a little.

Midnight Syndicate – Yes, I stated earlier that sometimes they can be overused. However, they are still a good fallback for “mood music”

Vision – The Music of Hildegard Von Bingen. Actually listening to this as I write this blog. Along with most Gregorian style chant, I love the power this type of music has. Perhaps a throwback to when I was looking to join a monastery.  I have used these in fantasy games as well as Mage:  the Ascension stories.

Enya – Similar to Loreena, I can seem to find a place for her music in almost any sort of game.

Enigma – See above. I know this is cliché, but I love the music.

DJ HAuLi – Have to give a shout out to my DJ buddy that was willing to throw together a set for me.

Nature Tracks – Various CDs of natural noises. I used a few wolf howl CDs for my Werewolf game. These can also be used in a high fantasy game for forest noises.

What are your go-to tracks/bands/etc for gaming? Do you even use music in your game? Tell us about it in the comments below.

Rebellion and Family Bonding

My mother was convinced that Dungeons and Dragons was a form of devil worship. She didn’t want me to have anything to do with it. I couldn’t really grasp why she was so against this game. She didn’t know anyone personally that played, so she didn’t have any experience in how playing a Dwarven warrior would conjure demons that would devour my soul. So what did I do? The only thing a teenager can do. Rebel against my mother.

I was first introduced to D&D when I was in the 6^th grade. A kid in one of my classes, who was also the son of one of the Deacon’s at church, introduced me. How demonic could it be if he was allowed to play it? He would tell me about the wonderful worlds that he and his friends created in their own imaginations. He told me about sinister overlords and the mighty heroes that could defeat them. And one day, during a study break, he busted out his books and helped me make my first character. I was such an idiot back then. I thought a Halfling was actually a half – Ling. I honestly believed that there was some magical race called Lings and a Halfling had one parent that was a Ling and one that was a human. I didn’t fully understand the rules. But I remember being mesmerized by the magical 20-sided die that determined success or failure.

I tried to remember as much of what I learned in that one sitting and replicate it with some neighborhood kids. I couldn’t remember all of the races, but I knew there were Dwarves, Elves, Half-Lings and humans. I remember I wanted to tell a story so bad that when a friend asked if they could be a quarter-Ling, I was completely ok with it. It didn’t matter what races they played, I wanted to re-enact the story that I had watched unfold in front of me. The gaming bug had bitten. And I knew that it would forever be part of who I was.

I vaguely remember my parents talking about Dungeons and Dragons and how it corrupted the immortal soul of the poor children that played it. I wanted to say something, but I was afraid maybe I had already been corrupted by it. Thankfully, a friend had an alternative. It was Lord of the Rings Adventure Gaming by Iron Crown Enterprises. They still used the magical polyhedron that I had fallen in love with, even if it went to 10 twice. We would play a couple times a week, when I stayed at his house after school. I didn’t know anything about J. R. R. Tolkien at that time, or even what the Lord of the Rings was. But I enjoyed playing make-believe with my friends.

My father found out about our weekly gaming and he seemed to glow. He was a big Tolkien fan and felt that this might be one of those bonding moments that he needed. For Christmas that year, he bought me (or rather Santa delivered) the box set for the Lord of the Rings game. I remember taking it to school after Christmas break and joining with my buddy CJ and Logan and talking about how cool the game was. They were both fairly unimpressed. They both had experience playing D&D and were convinced that it was a far superior game.

During my middle school years, I had a bit of a problem in school. I wasn’t much for studying and eventually my father started taking me to the library after school to ensure that all of my home work was done. It was during these trips that I started poking around at the public library and found that they had the Player’s Handbook and Dungeon Master’s Guide for AD&D 2^nd Edition. I remember the first time I checked them out. I hid the books from my father, stuffing them in my book bag as quickly as I could. My heart was slamming against the inside of my chest as adrenaline fired through my veins. I think I had those two books checked out for almost a year straight.

Having the books earned me some credit with my “cool” friends that knew the game better than I. We would make up excuses of studying for tests so that I could go to CJ’s place after school to play the game I had grown to love. And still I had to hide it.

I think coming out of the gaming closet and telling my mom that I played D&D was what gave me the strength to later come out about being gay. I still think it was pretty epic. It was my freshman year in high school. I had become close friends with a guy named Jim who was a senior. By the way, any time a freshman has a friend that is a senior it is pretty awesome. Anyways, Jim said he wanted to show my mom that it wasn’t evil. So given the strength of my friends, I told my mother that I had some friends that were going to come over on a Friday night and we were going to play D&D. At first she was furious. But then I told her that I didn’t mind if she wanted to watch. If a demon was summoned we might need her help putting it back where it belonged. She didn’t like this answer, but eventually she relented. I may have given her my sad puppy dog eyes that always won her over.

So the arranged date arrived and Jim came to my house with his fiancée. CJ came as well for moral support. My mother, bless her, decided to make homemade doughnuts while we played. That way she was in the kitchen the entire time and could see/hear exactly what happened. I am still convinced that somewhere in the kitchen was a Bible and her rosary.
We buckled in and Jim began to weave his tale. There was a good deal of in-character dialog, many tongue-in-cheek comments, groans of defeat and cheers of victory. At one point, CJ got Brandy (Jim’s fiancée) laughing so hard  we needed to take a break so she could puff on her inhaler. No demons were summoned at all during the session. After it was all done, my mother came to Jim and I and asked if that was all there was to D&D. We both explained that it was. My mother’s eyes lit up and she asked if could join us next time. We were delighted.

I helped my mother make her elven sorceress and watched with pride as she played along with us the next week. I still remember the glee in her eyes when she critically struck one of the bad guys and Jim described how her dagger cleanly removed the cultist’s man-bits. She may have even squealed a little.

She never played with us again after that. But the moments we shared at the table made her realize that just because she had heard something didn’t necessarily make it true. It helped me realize just how cool my mom is. And she never again questioned my interest in the hobby that has become my passion.

Hi-Tech vs. Lo-Tech: What to Bring to The Table?

I started gaming in the 6^th grade (circa 1991). When I first started, things were pretty low tech. Game consisted of a hand written character sheet, a pencil, a handful of polyhedral dice, and scratch paper/post-its for side conversations with GM or players. We had hard bound rule books that were dog-eared beyond belief.

That was so last century.

Today, I still have a library of gaming books, but I don’t lug them around to games. Instead, I have digital copies on my computer. When I prepare for game, I can load them on the laptop or my kindle. I have a dice roller on my phone, instead of sticky notes I can simply IM or text a player. Character sheets can and often are Excel spreadsheets. Who needs a GM screen when I can do most of the work from my laptop? With so many electronics now making their way to the game table the question comes up, “do you even really need to gather at someone’s house to play?” Of course not, we have Skype too. Or, depending on your style, you can play by email (although, this too reminds me of some of my old games prior to Skype).

So how much tech is too much? For me, having gamed across all levels of tech at this point, I like a nice blend. I like to physically be with my game group, so I am not much of a Skype fan. There is just something about gathering with friends and interacting with them in person. Honestly, if I wanted to interact with virtual people, I’d just log into World of Warcraft or Star Wars: the Old Republic. Now, I am sure someone out there is going to go off that Skype-ing and playing an MMO are different, since you are can see the person. However, to me, it just seems so artificial.

Depending on the group and what tech they have, I may have my Kindle with digital versions of game books available as well as core books in hard-copy. If I am GMing, I do prefer to use my laptop. I don’t like writing my gaming ideas out on paper any more. My hands cramp up and I can definitely get more word count out quickly when I have a keyboard. My laptop also has a copy of the rule book for handy reference as well as all of my adventure content. Scene descriptors and pictures that I have saved to give the players an idea of what they are seeing.

As for dice, call me old fashion, but I love the feeling of dice in my hands. Plus the sound they make is like music to my ears. Even if I use handfuls of dice to play, I would prefer the real thing. As for my players, I am fine with them randomly generating their numbers however they prefer. However, if they are consistently passing every test, I may ask them to show me their rolls. But that hasn’t been necessary yet.

Character sheets – again I prefer low tech here. I don’t care if we are using the “official” character sheet for the game or hand written accounta of stats and gear, I generally prefer paper to pixel. NPCs are a different matter. Those are on the laptop. But when I am playing, I would prefer actual paper to prevent distraction from the shiny interwebz. I also prefer my players to use paper for the same reason.

As for notes, I prefer hi-tech alternatives. Again, I can get the point across faster if I can type. Since I don’t like my players to have laptops, this usually means text messages. Of course the downside to this is the delay that can happen from send to receive. So far, I haven’t had this negatively affect a game. But I have had folks share with me that they have had some unfortunate events happen due to the delay that relying on cell towers has caused.

I currently play in a game that is extremely lo-tech. In fact, the only tech at work during the game is the GMs laptop to provide background music. Otherwise, he has provided us print outs of useful events happening during the era we are playing in (the game is set in the ‘20s), common phrases used during the setting, hard copies of books for reference, loads of scrap paper for notes and paper character sheets. The GM strongly frowns on any modern tech at the game table. It is very retro to me, but I survive.

What is your preference when it comes to tech? How much is too much? What has worked for you and what hasn’t? Feel free to share using the comments below.

Don't Be a Dick

Wheaton's Law is one of the most crucial laws in social situations. It took me a while to learn this rule. Looking back now, I wish I would have practiced it from the onset. It is an important law regardless of whether you are a player, a GM, or just a schmo living in the real world.

As a player, I remember the first time I had been called out for being a dick. It was the first time I gamed outside of my normal group. I had joined a group that played at a local hobby store after hours. It only took a couple of game sessions for my dick-ish tendencies to come to the forefront. I wasn’t necessarily being a jerk. But my words and actions during that game made people uncomfortable. The GM, who owned the store, pulled me aside after one particular game session and told me that I was no longer welcome in the group. And if I kept it up, I wasn’t welcome in the store.

I don’t remember what it was exactly that pushed peoples buttons.  It could have been that I was a socially awkward person that just didn’t know how to act or react in mixed company. Regardless of the reason, being asked to leave the group had a huge impact on me. It caused me to become a bit nervous about gaming with people I didn’t know. And the idea caused a bit of anxiety for me.

A few years later I gave it another go. A local group, that had one of my regular players, was looking for another person. I made a rogue-ish character. I didn’t originally mean to be anti-social and if I had a better idea of what the other players were playing, I would have been happy to create a character that would have fit with the group better. Instead, I created a character that I wanted to experiment with. He was a bit of a jackass, especially when someone became too high and mighty for his liking. The tipping point was when my character put a little soap in the person’s water bottle (in game). I was asked to leave the group that night. I was told that my character was just not fitting in.

As a person that was already self-conscious about being gay, fat and a geek, I had just been pushed out by a group that I had hoped would accept me. After that, I developed full on stage freight when it came to gaming with people I didn’t know. I would still attend conventions, but I avoided gaming like the plague. A friend begged me to come game with him at one convention. And I just sat there and said nothing beyond what I did in combat. It was so un-fun that I resolved to not do it again.

Of course, I had brought it down on myself. I was the person that had acted inappropriately in both cases and I couldn’t really blame the other players or the GMs. They were doing the right thing and kicking the dick out so that the rest of the people could have fun. However, there is an art to letting people down tactfully.

I mentioned in yesterday’s post that creating social contracts with people can be useful when gaming. I think they become incredibly important when a new player joins your group or when dealing with people you have never gamed with before. It helps to set the social boundaries for what is appropriate and what is not appropriate. As geeks can sometimes be socially awkward, it can help them develop into better people and better gamers. Remember, not everyone understands social cues given by other people and may not realize that what they felt was harmless actually crossed the line.

This is where Wheaton’s Law affects the GM as well. Knowing how to tactfully handle a Dick is important, lest you become a Dick as well. I am a firm believer in a three strike policy, with open communication between all parties. If you have a player that is being a Dick or is creating an environment that is not fun for others, gently help them understand specifically what they did and how it impacted other people. Give them a warning that it isn’t appropriate. This may also be a good time to discuss the possibility of creating a new character, if the action/event/what have you was appropriate for the character but inappropriate for your game. If you have created social contracts with the group revisit them. If it happens again, repeat the process. Some people are slower to learn than others. Provide another warning. If it happens a third time, explain the situation that you are in. And explain with great care and compassion that the style in which the player is playing is not appropriate for the story that the group is telling.

Do I think that there are situations where the three strike rule should be over looked? Absolutely. If the person is purposefully taking actions to harm (mentally or physically) another player then it is important to address the situation right away. And depending on what it is, it may be appropriate to explain that because of their conduct they are not welcome at the game. But be mindful. In many cases, the player is a friend and can be hurt by how you break it to them. Don’t be afraid to have the tough conversation, but approach it in a mature manner. Ask questions to gain a full understanding of why they did/said what they did. As the GM, you are the leader in many cases and you need to watch out for your group.

There are also some instances where you may not have time to provide them with three – strikes. Conventions are a great example. Generally, you have four hours to run your game and that is it. A Dick can be king in these situations, as they are free to do, say and act however they feel without regards for anyone else at the table. I don’t have any personal experience in this area, as I only started gaming at conventions again this year and only in one game. However, my gut reaction to this is to address the situation right away. I think calling a five minute “bio” break can be useful and provides you a chance to talk to the Dick. As a player, I would rather it be dealt this way than to be miserable for the remainder of the game.

Sometimes, as a player, you have to handle a GM that is a Dick. Having been a player in game where the GM was a Dick, I know this can be difficult. However, it is important to let them know they are being a Dick. I made the mistake of letting it brew inside until I just needed a break and considered leaving the game over it. I realized this wasn’t really fair to everyone involved and finally worked up the nerve to talk to my GM. For those that may not know, I don’t really like conflict especially with friends. But sometimes conflict can’t be avoided.

Again, approach is important. Sure it is easy to be passive aggressive about it and make snide comments to the GM. But this can shift the Dick mantle from the GM to you. I am a fan of the idea that cooler heads will prevail. For me, that means take a day or two after the even to think about it. Weigh in on whether you are just being sensitive or if it was really an issue. Then talk with the GM. Be polite and as tactful as possible. Explain your side of what happened and how you felt about it. A polite GM should be able to handle it. But make sure that you are both talking about it. I have ADHD and sometimes, you are talking and as much as I want to be paying attention, my mind might be thinking about three dozen other things at the same moment. If your GM is like me, it is also a good idea to follow up a few days later or even right before the next game.

Gamers are people and sometimes people have off days. Remember that the other person may not be meaning to be a Dick. Their action may just be them trying to lash out because of issues in their personal life. Just as in any relationship, open communication and a willingness to listen will be your best friend.

How do you handle Players or GMs that are Dicks? Please share your experiences using the comments below.  

Mature Gaming - Play Responsibly

I have been gaming for the last 20 years. When I first started, it was all about hack and slash dungeon crawls. The only thing I wanted was enough experience to level up and get more loot (preferably cool loot). Slowly, but surely, we added more to the game. First we added puzzles and riddles. Then we added more role playing and less roll playing. Then one day, without warning, we added adult situations.

I was probably 17 or 18, old enough to go to an R rated film on my own. I still remember the game. At the time, my game of choice was Vampire: the Masquerade. We were starting a game in the Dark Ages and a good friend decided to make a child vampire. When he first proposed the idea to me, I thought it would be cool. Then came the moment where he introduced himself to the party. He had been a vampire for a bit, and it had really twisted him. And how he described himself was so vivid that it caused some of the other players to feel uncomfortable. After the first game session, some of them complained to me about their new pack mate. I talked with him and asked him to tone it down. As the game progressed, he would set in motion these truly horrific things. I was fine with them, but again other players were not and we eventually lost two of them because of it.

I didn’t realize then that for some folks, the world of the imagination can become real. It can cause nightmares. And in some cases it can push buttons that trigger emotional responses. It never occurred to me, because during that game, I knew it was fiction. I was aware that it was just a game and inside I chastised the players that were uncomfortable.

About a year ago, I found myself in a similar position. This time, I was a player instead of the guy in charge of the game. And instead of being haunted by the actions of another player, I was instead tormented by the actions of our game master. He wasn’t graphic about what happened to one of my fellow players. But the end result was known to us all. And I became so upset by it I didn’t want to return to the game. It wasn’t even my character, but I felt violated by the words and imagination of another person.

I have shared these stories with other gamers and have met with differing responses. Some have shared that adult situations like these have no place in a game where the goal is to have fun. Others have said that it was good that things happened, but that how they were handled was poor. I agree with both of these.

Most of us game as a past time, something to do to escape our daily lives. A time to gather with friends and enjoy the stories we tell together. And depending on the group, moving your game into mature territory can be fun and rewarding. Sometimes it can provide a way to work through things that have been bothering you or help you figure out how to handle something. But knowing where the line is and knowing how to deal with it is key.

One of the best suggestions I ever received on this topic is the idea of creating a social contract between the players and the game master. Basically each player shares what they are totally ok with, what they might have issue with, and what they absolutely don’t want to have happen to their character or someone near them. I think taking one night, perhaps after you have created your character but before the game has actually begun, to discuss these as a group is crucial to the success of the game. This helps the GM to know where his/her players are at as well as what each individual’s social boundaries are is important. And it may happen that during this time, the group decides they want to keep the game G, PG or PG-13. And that is fine.

Now the thing about using social contracts is the understanding that everyone has the right to change their minds. A player may encounter a situation that you have presented that tweaked them the wrong way. Sometimes a scene or even a reaction to something in the scene may set someone off in a way that was unexpected, even by them. Be prepared for this. If you have an intense scene that happens, take a break afterwards. Check in on your players and see how everyone is doing. Your group may be used to playing for 4 hours a night and you are only an hour or two in. But you may need to stop where you are and just talk. This is ok. Also, for those people that are snobbish about staying in character during the game, understand that sometimes after a really vivid scene people may need to just crack jokes and laugh. Everyone handles stress differently. Most importantly, don’t do what I did. Do not use your own social or moral compass to decide when enough is enough.

I personally don’t think that gamers should shy away from the tough subjects. When you are in a group of friends, this type of gaming can be therapeutic in its own way. It can allow you to deal with things from your childhood, issues that get your goat, or even make you realize that you do have a heart after all. But each group is different and the most important thing is to understand the dynamics of the people you are with and prepare appropriately.


If anyone has additional comments regarding mature gaming, feel free to comment below. I hope to be running a panel on this topic during MisCon 27 and would love to hear what other people think.