I have been gaming for the last 20 years. When I first started, it was all about hack and slash dungeon crawls. The only thing I wanted was enough experience to level up and get more loot (preferably cool loot). Slowly, but surely, we added more to the game. First we added puzzles and riddles. Then we added more role playing and less roll playing. Then one day, without warning, we added adult situations.
I was probably 17 or 18, old enough to go to an R rated film on my own. I still remember the game. At the time, my game of choice was Vampire: the Masquerade. We were starting a game in the Dark Ages and a good friend decided to make a child vampire. When he first proposed the idea to me, I thought it would be cool. Then came the moment where he introduced himself to the party. He had been a vampire for a bit, and it had really twisted him. And how he described himself was so vivid that it caused some of the other players to feel uncomfortable. After the first game session, some of them complained to me about their new pack mate. I talked with him and asked him to tone it down. As the game progressed, he would set in motion these truly horrific things. I was fine with them, but again other players were not and we eventually lost two of them because of it.
I didn’t realize then that for some folks, the world of the imagination can become real. It can cause nightmares. And in some cases it can push buttons that trigger emotional responses. It never occurred to me, because during that game, I knew it was fiction. I was aware that it was just a game and inside I chastised the players that were uncomfortable.
About a year ago, I found myself in a similar position. This time, I was a player instead of the guy in charge of the game. And instead of being haunted by the actions of another player, I was instead tormented by the actions of our game master. He wasn’t graphic about what happened to one of my fellow players. But the end result was known to us all. And I became so upset by it I didn’t want to return to the game. It wasn’t even my character, but I felt violated by the words and imagination of another person.
I have shared these stories with other gamers and have met with differing responses. Some have shared that adult situations like these have no place in a game where the goal is to have fun. Others have said that it was good that things happened, but that how they were handled was poor. I agree with both of these.
Most of us game as a past time, something to do to escape our daily lives. A time to gather with friends and enjoy the stories we tell together. And depending on the group, moving your game into mature territory can be fun and rewarding. Sometimes it can provide a way to work through things that have been bothering you or help you figure out how to handle something. But knowing where the line is and knowing how to deal with it is key.
One of the best suggestions I ever received on this topic is the idea of creating a social contract between the players and the game master. Basically each player shares what they are totally ok with, what they might have issue with, and what they absolutely don’t want to have happen to their character or someone near them. I think taking one night, perhaps after you have created your character but before the game has actually begun, to discuss these as a group is crucial to the success of the game. This helps the GM to know where his/her players are at as well as what each individual’s social boundaries are is important. And it may happen that during this time, the group decides they want to keep the game G, PG or PG-13. And that is fine.
Now the thing about using social contracts is the understanding that everyone has the right to change their minds. A player may encounter a situation that you have presented that tweaked them the wrong way. Sometimes a scene or even a reaction to something in the scene may set someone off in a way that was unexpected, even by them. Be prepared for this. If you have an intense scene that happens, take a break afterwards. Check in on your players and see how everyone is doing. Your group may be used to playing for 4 hours a night and you are only an hour or two in. But you may need to stop where you are and just talk. This is ok. Also, for those people that are snobbish about staying in character during the game, understand that sometimes after a really vivid scene people may need to just crack jokes and laugh. Everyone handles stress differently. Most importantly, don’t do what I did. Do not use your own social or moral compass to decide when enough is enough.
I personally don’t think that gamers should shy away from the tough subjects. When you are in a group of friends, this type of gaming can be therapeutic in its own way. It can allow you to deal with things from your childhood, issues that get your goat, or even make you realize that you do have a heart after all. But each group is different and the most important thing is to understand the dynamics of the people you are with and prepare appropriately.
If anyone has additional comments regarding mature gaming, feel free to comment below. I hope to be running a panel on this topic during MisCon 27 and would love to hear what other people think.
Wow. A huge subject. "Each group is different and the most important thing is to understand the dynamics of the people you are with and prepare appropriately."
ReplyDeleteThat takes an enormous amount of insight. If people aren't close friends, or if they see each other mostly at the gaming table, I don't know a single person who could pull that off. Not to mention the many gamers who have a negative Sense Motive modifier in real life.
"Do not use your own social or moral compass to decide when enough is enough." You can't use yours for others, but for yourself, I think it's all you really have. Psychological boundaries keep you sane, and you can't force anyone to grow. You also can't force anyone to speak up if they're too uncomfortable to do so :-S
I'm thinking this is like real life. The people who have compatible mores (or can negotiate a functional compromise) form cohesive groups. Those who can't drift apart. A gaming group that values 'the game' above all seems like a recipe for dysfunction. Still, learning to leave and learning to let others leave is hard.
Part of preparing appropriately, whether you are with a group of close friends or gaming with brand new people, is to have an open conversation. I agree that many gamers do have a "negative Sense Motive modifer in real life." However, talking about where the line is as a group is a great way to prepare.
DeleteBoundaries are important. I am in no way suggesting that people shouldn't have boundaries. We all have things that push our buttons or squig us out. And that is totally ok. Perhaps a better way of phrasing my mention of social and moral compass is to say, don't use you view of things to judge how others should or will react. Be open and understanding of where they are coming from. If you discover a line that wasn't previously there, adapt to it.
And I agree, you can not force anyone to speak up. Some people feel uncomfortable with conflict and don't want to speak up. And it sucks that they may feel that way. But again, it is about preparing for that. If the group has decided that mature subject matter is ok and you get to something that is intense, check in with people. See how they are and where they are at. Does the group need a time out to talk through what happened or maybe they are fine.
Yeah. They're all great ideas, and I use them myself, but I know I'm never going to catch everything.
DeleteIf "prepare appropriately" means "keep the lines of communication open and foster an environment in which people can be comfortable bringing up concerns"--that's a great goal, and simply stated too. Unfortunately, the translation into specific behavior patterns on the part of the game master and other players isn't so simple.
Say you have a player that's been bullied all her life, has a sexist/chauvinist father, and been shut down every time she's complained. She's probably not going to complain if she's uncomfortable, and may even not want to ruin other people's fun, and instead just wither and drift away, but keep coming back because it's not home.
Can the GM be aware enough to notice the facial expressions and body language of discomfort, to realize what she's not saying? Is it even the GM's responsibility to do so?
The person playing the deranged evil priest who sacrifices and eats the hearts of six-month old babies in front of everyone, his defiant glare daring them to stop him. Is he an asshole shock jockey out to troll, a serial killer in the making acting out fantasies in a safe environment, someone dealing with childhood abuse that they can't yet fully face? How can you tell? And what do you do if you find out?
And even if the other players are ok with this, is this the kind of behavior you want to encourage?
The Afghanistan vet with PTSD who reacts to everything with extreme and graphic violence because he can't get the last few moments before the IED out of his mind. Is sticking kobold heads on pikes and drying out their entrails to make rope to hang their leaders and children with healthy?
And even if the other players are ok with graphic content, they signed up to play a game, not to be part of group therapy.
What of the player who runs roughshod over others' sensibilities--my character is a sexist douche who doesn't respect women and doesn't care who knows it. I'm ROLEPLAYING, gods damn it. This is why I play to begin with! At what point does the GM "play the bad guy" and bring down the hammer, knowing that may estrange the player in and out of game? (And misogyny isn't even mature content by most standards.)
Managing all of this in a way that keeps the entire group together and that they always find a compromise acceptable to all...I don't believe that's realistic as a goal. I doubt that even trained group therapists would be able to do that with 100% success.
On the other hand, if you keep the lines of communication open, have these discussions and breaks, and still recognize that somewhere along the line you're probably going to alienate someone--run counter to strongly instilled societal programming or bring up scars so deep in their souls that they won't even know what's bothering them...all you can do is all you can do.
But play long enough, and there will still be people who'll leave without ever telling you what's wrong, and people who will leave because they get offended that their brand of mature content is suddenly "inappropriate." (The one who will not play if homosexuality is involved vs. the one who always makes their characters drag-queen flamboyant, and neither will budge.)
This isn't a problem to be "solved," because there are no easy answers. I don't disagree with anything you said, but I want people to know that even if you do prepare appropriately to the utmost of your ability, and do everything right, you can never eliminate the risk of ending friends over mature content.
It ultimately comes down to knowing your players (as do a lot of gaming issues). The method Robert and I have always used is to go with the lowest common denominator: play with a level of maturity/intensity that your least comfortable player is still comfortable with. That goes for any mature topic in a game, be it sex, slavery, drugs, or something darker.
ReplyDeleteI do believe it's up to the GM to keep that in check, and the players have to feel comfortable taking the GM aside and saying, "Whoa, that got a little too intense for me" or on the other hand, "You know, you could have described the scene in the brothel with a little more detail - we were all fine with it".
My gaming group has definitely dealt with some interesting experiences, and, like you mention, at times it has helped us work through real-world issues.
ReplyDeleteAt one point, one member asked the GM to back off on some sexual content because he wasn't comfortable with it. Since then, it's been handled more delicately and discreetly. Some has been glossed over, and some has been handled through IMs - so the player who wants the info has it, but no one else is bothered.
The real-world issue came after what was a personally difficult time for most of us. Last fall, a couple in our group of 6 got divorced. Of course, that's going to be hard for a group to deal with, especially since most of us have been friends for more than a decade. At first, it looked like the male half was going to graciously withdraw himself so the female half could keep the group (he had another group as well, so he thought it was fair. He's lawful good, through and through.)
But then, in a bout of insanity I won't get into, the woman we thought we "got" to keep betrayed 3 of us in extremely hurtful and unbelievable ways. Our whole worlds were rocked.
We were so devastated that we actually disbanded the group entirely for a couple of months. When we started back, it was with just the 3 of us who'd been so hurt. Our first adventure was finding out that this woman's character (now an NPC) had betrayed the group and was in league with a demon. We hunted her down and killed her, which, although it sounds a bit psychotic, was quite cathartic and cleansing.
After that, we welcomed back the rest of the group - including the lawful good ex-husband.
We've done a lot of laughing, lamenting and healing together, both through the game and just through regularly being together - which is an important aspect of gaming. I loved my group before, but now it's far more important to me that I'd ever imagined.