Don't Be a Dick

Wheaton's Law is one of the most crucial laws in social situations. It took me a while to learn this rule. Looking back now, I wish I would have practiced it from the onset. It is an important law regardless of whether you are a player, a GM, or just a schmo living in the real world.

As a player, I remember the first time I had been called out for being a dick. It was the first time I gamed outside of my normal group. I had joined a group that played at a local hobby store after hours. It only took a couple of game sessions for my dick-ish tendencies to come to the forefront. I wasn’t necessarily being a jerk. But my words and actions during that game made people uncomfortable. The GM, who owned the store, pulled me aside after one particular game session and told me that I was no longer welcome in the group. And if I kept it up, I wasn’t welcome in the store.

I don’t remember what it was exactly that pushed peoples buttons.  It could have been that I was a socially awkward person that just didn’t know how to act or react in mixed company. Regardless of the reason, being asked to leave the group had a huge impact on me. It caused me to become a bit nervous about gaming with people I didn’t know. And the idea caused a bit of anxiety for me.

A few years later I gave it another go. A local group, that had one of my regular players, was looking for another person. I made a rogue-ish character. I didn’t originally mean to be anti-social and if I had a better idea of what the other players were playing, I would have been happy to create a character that would have fit with the group better. Instead, I created a character that I wanted to experiment with. He was a bit of a jackass, especially when someone became too high and mighty for his liking. The tipping point was when my character put a little soap in the person’s water bottle (in game). I was asked to leave the group that night. I was told that my character was just not fitting in.

As a person that was already self-conscious about being gay, fat and a geek, I had just been pushed out by a group that I had hoped would accept me. After that, I developed full on stage freight when it came to gaming with people I didn’t know. I would still attend conventions, but I avoided gaming like the plague. A friend begged me to come game with him at one convention. And I just sat there and said nothing beyond what I did in combat. It was so un-fun that I resolved to not do it again.

Of course, I had brought it down on myself. I was the person that had acted inappropriately in both cases and I couldn’t really blame the other players or the GMs. They were doing the right thing and kicking the dick out so that the rest of the people could have fun. However, there is an art to letting people down tactfully.

I mentioned in yesterday’s post that creating social contracts with people can be useful when gaming. I think they become incredibly important when a new player joins your group or when dealing with people you have never gamed with before. It helps to set the social boundaries for what is appropriate and what is not appropriate. As geeks can sometimes be socially awkward, it can help them develop into better people and better gamers. Remember, not everyone understands social cues given by other people and may not realize that what they felt was harmless actually crossed the line.

This is where Wheaton’s Law affects the GM as well. Knowing how to tactfully handle a Dick is important, lest you become a Dick as well. I am a firm believer in a three strike policy, with open communication between all parties. If you have a player that is being a Dick or is creating an environment that is not fun for others, gently help them understand specifically what they did and how it impacted other people. Give them a warning that it isn’t appropriate. This may also be a good time to discuss the possibility of creating a new character, if the action/event/what have you was appropriate for the character but inappropriate for your game. If you have created social contracts with the group revisit them. If it happens again, repeat the process. Some people are slower to learn than others. Provide another warning. If it happens a third time, explain the situation that you are in. And explain with great care and compassion that the style in which the player is playing is not appropriate for the story that the group is telling.

Do I think that there are situations where the three strike rule should be over looked? Absolutely. If the person is purposefully taking actions to harm (mentally or physically) another player then it is important to address the situation right away. And depending on what it is, it may be appropriate to explain that because of their conduct they are not welcome at the game. But be mindful. In many cases, the player is a friend and can be hurt by how you break it to them. Don’t be afraid to have the tough conversation, but approach it in a mature manner. Ask questions to gain a full understanding of why they did/said what they did. As the GM, you are the leader in many cases and you need to watch out for your group.

There are also some instances where you may not have time to provide them with three – strikes. Conventions are a great example. Generally, you have four hours to run your game and that is it. A Dick can be king in these situations, as they are free to do, say and act however they feel without regards for anyone else at the table. I don’t have any personal experience in this area, as I only started gaming at conventions again this year and only in one game. However, my gut reaction to this is to address the situation right away. I think calling a five minute “bio” break can be useful and provides you a chance to talk to the Dick. As a player, I would rather it be dealt this way than to be miserable for the remainder of the game.

Sometimes, as a player, you have to handle a GM that is a Dick. Having been a player in game where the GM was a Dick, I know this can be difficult. However, it is important to let them know they are being a Dick. I made the mistake of letting it brew inside until I just needed a break and considered leaving the game over it. I realized this wasn’t really fair to everyone involved and finally worked up the nerve to talk to my GM. For those that may not know, I don’t really like conflict especially with friends. But sometimes conflict can’t be avoided.

Again, approach is important. Sure it is easy to be passive aggressive about it and make snide comments to the GM. But this can shift the Dick mantle from the GM to you. I am a fan of the idea that cooler heads will prevail. For me, that means take a day or two after the even to think about it. Weigh in on whether you are just being sensitive or if it was really an issue. Then talk with the GM. Be polite and as tactful as possible. Explain your side of what happened and how you felt about it. A polite GM should be able to handle it. But make sure that you are both talking about it. I have ADHD and sometimes, you are talking and as much as I want to be paying attention, my mind might be thinking about three dozen other things at the same moment. If your GM is like me, it is also a good idea to follow up a few days later or even right before the next game.

Gamers are people and sometimes people have off days. Remember that the other person may not be meaning to be a Dick. Their action may just be them trying to lash out because of issues in their personal life. Just as in any relationship, open communication and a willingness to listen will be your best friend.

How do you handle Players or GMs that are Dicks? Please share your experiences using the comments below.