It pains me when I hear about people committing suicide due
to being bullied. Every time I see it, I think about my own time when I was suicidal.
I am thankful that I was never really bullied. Instead my torment came from a much
more personal source. Me.
I didn’t always know I was gay. Some people do. My partner
is one of them. I always knew that I liked guys. I was fascinated by them. I
remember being little and my dad telling me not to stare at people when we were
changing to go swimming. So I clearly had queer tendencies as a young person.
But I didn’t know that they were
queer. I thought it was normal. It was just another part of being me.
Somewhere along the line, I got the idea in my head that
having feelings for another guy was wrong. My parents never talked about it one
way or another, although I know now that they are very liberal in their views.
I know that my feeling of wrongness happened before I had ever heard a minister
talk about same-sex relationships.
This sense of wrongness bred in me a hatred that was so
intense. I wanted to die. There wasn’t a day that went by between the ages of
10 and 22 that I didn’t wish that God would take the breath from my lungs. I
didn’t want to have the feelings I had. I would spend nights praying that I
wouldn’t wake up in the morning.
I started to come out to people when I was 16. And even
though every person that I told was ok with it, I still wasn’t. Inside, I still
didn’t like myself for who I was. Added to this was the fact that I never saw
any big gay guys in the media. They were all skinny guys that were only into
other skinny guys. This made me feel even more alone in the world, which added
to my hatred. Eventually it got to be
too much, and I decided to take matters into my own hands.
When I think back, I am so glad that I didn’t go through
with it or was prevented from doing so. I blacked out before I could. Instead
of slitting my wrists, I had cut my upper arm with what I found out were Norse
runes used for protection. Basically, they meant Strength, Victory, Honor and
Intuition. It was probably the most powerful message that could be sent to me.
It meant that I was worth saving and that I was meant for something. It was in
the hours after coming to that I finally started to accept myself for who and
what I was.
I was still afraid of being alone. I didn’t know anything
about Bears and the Bear community. I didn’t know that there were guys out
there that would be attracted to me and love me for being me. But it showed me
that there was a reason to live. Since that time, I have learned how to love
myself and in return be capable of loving other people. And I am grateful for all of the people that love me.
If you are reading this and feeling like there is no point, please I urge you to reach out. There are people out there that love you and who can help you love yourself. Please check out the following resources. And remember, it really does get better.
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