What the Hell is a Bear?

Growing up a big, hairy gay male wasn’t always easy for me. When I was younger, I was teased for my large frame. As I started to realize my attractions, I felt further dejected. There weren’t any characters that looked like me. They were all slim and or muscular guys that were attracted to men that mirrored them. I thought for sure I was going to be alone my whole life, as I didn’t have the build that seemed attractive to these men.

I didn’t really have any kind of gay role models. Hell, I didn’t even really know any other gay men. I knew they were out there. Just didn’t know any personally. Thankfully that changed when I moved out on my own. I met a young couple that lived in the same building I did. We would hang out as often as possible. Thankfully they were quite willing to answer all of the questions that had built up inside me. One day, I shared with them the fear I had that I would grow up alone. That I felt no one would really be attracted to a big, fat, hair guy. They both chuckled. One of them shared with me that I was a “bear.” I remember looking at them quite perplexed and asking what that meant.

There is a whole sub-community within the larger gay community of men that are just like me. This small revelation gave me hope. I knew that I was attracted to guys that were like me, large (not necessarily fat) and hairy. But the fact that my attraction was so radically different from the image that the media had fed me for so long made me even more miserable. But now I knew there was no need to be miserable any longer. There were guys out there that not only would be attracted to me, but that it was ok for me to be attracted to them.

It took a few more years before I found other folks in the bear community. Thinking back, I wish I had just gotten on my computer and looked up more information about bears. Turns out that bears tend to really utilize technology to their benefit. They were some of the first to use the internet to find one another. Now, there are tons of gay sites out there to meet all sorts of people. When I met my partner, he was the first bear that I had really gotten to know. He in turn introduced me to several other bears and together we continue to find more guys that fit in our community.

When I identify myself now as a bear, I have straight friends that ask me what that means. So I figured I would put together a little primer for them. Scouring the internet I found the following information to help those who don’t know what a bear is or don’t know much about the community.

There isn’t a clear picture of when the Bear subculture began. Some say that it started as early as the late ‘70s, while others suggest that it started in 1986 with Bear magazine. Regardless of when it began, it has stuck around. Bears tend to be heavy-set men who tend to have hairy bodies and facial hair. However, these are not strict requirements. There are muscle bears, with little body fat and there are those with little body hair as well.

One of the things that I think really defines the bear community is acceptance. The bears I have found online and in person accept people for who they are. This is especially important for those that, like me, thought there wasn’t a place for them in the gay community. There are bears of every shape, race, age, etc. which is incredibly empowering. In addition, bears tend to be friendly and easy going. Both of these are also very inviting.

Bears  have certain terms that they use to refer to one another. Even I get confused by them at times. So I include a brief lesson on bear vocabulary. Use at your own risk.

Bear Basics

Bear – “The most common definition of a "bear" is a man who is hairy, has facial hair, and a cuddly body. However, the word "Bear" means many things to different people, even within the bear movement. Many men who do not have one or all of these characteristics define themselves as bears, making the term a very loose one. Suffice it to say, "bear" is often defined as more of an attitude than anything else - a sense of comfort with our natural masculinity and bodies that is not slavish to the vogues of male attractiveness that is so common in gay circles and the culture at large.” – Urban Dictionary definition

Cub – A term used to describe a young, husky, hairy gay man, essentially a young bear. Typically, cubs have smaller frames than a bear does. It can also be used to describe the submissive partner in a bear relationship

Goldilocks – A woman that hands out with a group of bears. These are our “fag hags”

Otter – A slimmer or less hairy bear

Wolf – A bear that is rugged and outdoorsy

Types of Bears

Black Bears – Bear of African-American descent

Brown Bears – Bear of Latin descent

Daddy Bear – An older or mature bear

Ginger Bear – A Bear with red facial and or body hair

Grizzly Bear – This can mean a couple of things. First it could reference someone that is extremely masculine/dominant. It may also reference someone that is extremely tall, heavy or hairy.

Koala Bear – A bear of Australian descent

Panda Bear – A bear of Asian descent

Pocket Bear – A bear that is short in stature

Polar Bear – A bear with white or grey hair

Hopefully, this helps folks out there understand who I am and the community that I belong to.